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Issue #14, October 2006
Guiding Children
Positively
"Discipline", "punishment", "guidance". You may
hear these terms when it comes to addressing children’s
behavior. Debates and discussions are sparked
continuously over what is the best way to discipline
children. Are time-outs effective? Just how can I
get my three year old to behave?
Discipline is not just stopping a child from doing something
or punishing a child for an unacceptable behavior. All
parents want their children to exhibit positive behaviors and at
the very least not be disruptive, hurt themselves or
others.
Using positive guidance techniques and establishing clear
rules and choices will help children to develop the ability to
have self-control and make better choices. That is the
ultimate goal of discipline.
If we all were left to our own devices, think of what we may
do. Each one of us would probably have many different
ideas on what is acceptable or not acceptable behavior.
However, because there are laws in place and we grow up with
societal expectations, we adapt and our behavior is guided by
these laws and expectations. That’s how children
learn to "behave".
Here are some positive techniques for you to use to guide
behavior:
- Make the environment
behavior-friendly. Young children need and
love to explore. Make sure dangerous objects are removed
and there is no temptation to pull on things or climb on things
that are not safe.
- Set clear
rules/expectations. For preschoolers and
older children, who are old enough to understand, set clear
rules and make sure they know. For example, you could have
rules such as: "We walk (not run) indoors," "Ask for help
instead of whining or crying."
- Give choices when
appropriate. Give children a sense of
control and practice in making choices. For example,
"Would you like to sit and eat your lunch now or wait until
after your bath"? "Would you like an apple or a banana for
snack?” Don’t offer choices you are not
willing for them to have.
- Praise and notice children when
their behavior is acceptable. If children only
hear when they are doing things wrong, they may continue to act
out if that is the only way they get attention. Point out
instances when they are behaving positively, "I see you are
cleaning up now that you are done. That’s
great."
- Focus on the behavior, not the
child. When your child does something you
don’t like, make sure you focus on the behavior as being
unacceptable. Don’t use language or say things such
as "You’re bad". That just makes children feel bad
and they start to believe they are bad. What you want them
to know is that particular behavior is ‘bad’ and not
to do it anymore. For example, “Screaming is not
going to get me to say yes. Lower your voice and ask
politely.”
- Be consistent in the rules and
consequences you set. Teach your
child consequences. Once you establish some rules and
expectations, make sure you always follow-up on them if your
child does not follow them. "Since you will not let your
sister take a turn, you will not play with this puzzle again
today."
It’s important to know that no one discipline method
works all the time. Children are all different, they
respond differently, or their responses may change over
time. Some methods are more effective on young children,
some on older children. Most parents use a
combination of tools or practices naturally because guidance is
not an exact science. Use your intuition, knowledge of
your child’s developmental level, and choose a positive
guidance technique that you feel comfortable with.
Remember, testing limits, saying "no", and misbehaving are
part of children's growth and development. It is helpful
to remember that a child’s age is important when trying to
guide them. It does not make sense to explain the
wrongness of hitting another child to a 18-month-old; it does
make sense to explain that to a four-year-old.
Most of all what children need to know is, although you
sometimes find their behavior unacceptable, you always love
them.
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Tell-a-friend!
